A New Day ....

..... a new antibiotic, a new movie, and a new phone call from my Son.

One of my best friends and I went to see "The Iron Lady" today.  Oh.  My.  Goodness.
Meryl was amazing.
A. Ma. Zing.

I've seen "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" ..... hated it .... hated the horrid sexual violence of it, and yes, I read the book.
But the actress who played the lead did a great job.
So I think the Oscar will go to to one of them, though I think the scale is tipped more toward Meryl's side.  She played Margaret Thatcher to a T.
Wow.

After the movie we both went to our doctor's office (same doctor).  I had called this morning to tell them I need to be on an antibiotic like .... yesterday and she had blood work to check on.  Both of our test results had just come in when we arrived.  My doctor had been waiting for mine to see which antibiotic I needed.
She prescribed a couple of honking big meds.
I see her again on Tuesday.
We shall see.

Tonight I've had a fever (a small one .... only 100), which has been such fun.
But Vern came over and we read, ordered Chinese and then watched American Idol.  This is the only part of that show that I watch ..... the auditions.
I find it fascinating that some people can sing so utterly horribly but don't know it.  How does one not know that they can't carry a tune in a bucket??  I really don't get that.

Just as the last person came in to audition (she was great!) Son #2 called.
It was basically a really nice phone call.
He's very understanding about my stance and seems to have accepted it.  He also asked me if I knew that he's always appreciated everything I've ever done for him.
I didn't think I heard him correctly so I asked him to repeat what he'd said.  And he did.
I told him the truth .... that no, I hadn't always realized that.  And he told me that he has.  And he does.
Very much.
So I thanked him for that.
Our hearts connected on that phone call.

He said he should be home by next Wednesday or Thursday.
He asked how his girlfriend is doing and I told him that I think she's not very happy with me.  I haven't heard back from her after I tried to explain to her why I made the decision I did.  He told me not to worry, that she would understand, because she's always understood my side of our "issues".  He told me how alike the two of us are, which I had already told him.
He said that maybe I should start thinking of her like a daughter-in-law .... to which I replied, "I already have".  I reminded him that I like her very much and that I think she's very good for him.  I also reminded him that she's graduating this year and wants to go to school and I hope that he didn't get in the way of that.
He agreed and said he wants her to pursue her dreams and go to college.  And that he hoped to go with her.

I hope he does, too.
If he's ready for that.
And really wants it.

It was great to talk to him.

He's one of the strongest, smartest and hard-headed people I know.
He can do whatever he sets his mind to do.
Anything.
He just has to want it.

So hopefully the antibiotic will work (the med she gave me for the pain is working), the movie was good, and the phone call was good.
All in all ..... a good day.

Except for the phone call I received from my dad, saying that my brother had been taken from work to a hospital tonight ..... with weird heart-related symptoms.
I feel sorry for anyone and everyone who's related to me.  I think I'm contagious.

But Dad called a little while ago and said that he's doing well right now.  They're still waiting for a dr. to read all of the test results and see if he knows what happened, but hopefully it was just a weird blip in his evening.

So that was my day.
Better than yesterday.
And better than the day before.

Yay for better.

I have a request for those of you who pray.
Some of you follow MckMama's blog so you may know what's going on.
For those of you who don't know ..... this is the post she wrote yesterday (she's written 2 more since then):
http://mycharmingkids.net/2012/01/looking-up/

I'm asking for you, who've prayed so hard for me, to pray for her .... and her family.
My heart is breaking for her (and I didn't think it could possibly break any further).  Please lift her up .... as well as her children ..... and her husband.
She needs them more than I do.

Thanks, Peeps.
Thanks for being here this week and for being such a big source of support.  Thank you for your words of encouragement .... and for your prayers and thoughts.
I am blessed by you.

Happy Thursday.
:)

I'm Feeling ....

.... better today.

I'm feel very calm about Son #2 and my decision.  Of course, he's not here banging on the door or anything, so I'll enjoy this while it lasts.

I'm not as angry at God today, which is very annoying.
I wanted to stay pissed at Him for a much longer time.
I'm still angry, just not as much.
I still can't pray ..... still don't feel like it's worth the effort, so I'm not.  I'm not going to fake it.
I'm sure that, too, will change.
Some day.

In brighter news .... ROFLMAO!!!!!
There is no "brighter" news ..... it's just in a different area of my life ..... which maybe could be brighter .....
My doctor's office called me yesterday morning to come in so they could get another urine sample.  Something about maybe getting the wrong antibiotic.
I could either cry or laugh over that one.  I chose to laugh.  I think that's a sign of going insane.
I told them that ironically, I was going to call them about coming in that same day because I don't believe my infection is gone.
So I went in.
They have to send it out to a different lab because they want some big culture test done.   But .... they figured out it was the right antibiotic ..... just evidently not the one to kick this sucker out.  And I finished it 3 days ago.

So I bought an at home test, thinking that if I still have an infection, I need to be put back on an antibiotic before this culture comes back (which MAY be tomorrow).
It was positive.  So I called the office this morning and told the nurse that.  And asked if it would be a good decision to put me on meds today.  She had to ask the dr, who was with a patient, but she'd call me right back.
Again .... ROFLMAO!!!
I really need to learn what the medical definition of "right back" is ..... because it's nothing like the regular American definition.
I had to leave to go have lunch with friends after a couple of hours.   I almost didn't go, but I'm glad I did.  It was great.  Even with pain shooting through my body.  It was very good for me.

When I got home I had a message from the nurse to call her back so she could tell me what the dr. said.
That was at 1:40.
I called, at around 2:30.
Their office closes at noon on Wednesdays ..... although she made the call after that.
But no one picks up the phone when you call after noon.
Ever.

So I'm dealing with the pain from this (which I've mostly had since Jan 1st), which is getting worse and worse.
And won't be able to start treating it until at least tomorrow.

I'd scream at someone, but I really don't have it in me.

Thanks again for the support, Peeps.
You make me smile.
:)

It Is Over ....

.... and I am done.

Please, please God, help me be done.

I spoke with my Son a little while ago.
He was a different person today.
The C.O said I could try one more time but that he was already in the pipeline to be sent back.  He said if I could change his mind they'd let him stay.

My Son was very, very calm.  Very, very matter of fact.  There will be no changing of his mind.  He doesn't want it .... doesn't want to be a Marine.
He said that he understands that he won't be living at home, and that's ok.
He understands that I love him and that I am doing what I think I need to do because of that love.
He doesn't agree, but then, we've never really agreed on a whole lot of things over the years.

I am sad for him.  He is one of the strongest people I know.  I still think he could've done it.  He now says he never wanted it.  Well, he wanted it at one point in time, but that changed before he even left, or so he says.
He's done.

He says he'll be leaving in about 2 weeks.
That's all I know, as of now.

Just to be clear .... I write this as a chronicle of sorts.  I write sometimes .... most times .... to let other widowed people know that, while this way of life sucks and is not what we planned, we can survive.

I do not write this to ask for advice or anyone's opinion.
Not at all.
While I appreciate the huge amount of support, and I appreciate people who say they agree with me (because who doesn't like to be agreed with?), I have not, nor will not, ask you to tell what you think I should do.
I do not need to hear that you don't agree with how I am parenting MY child.  That's uncalled for.
I know that plenty of people are going to disagree with what I'm doing.  Not many parents believe in, or have the stomach for, tough love.
This is what Jim would've chosen.

For those of you who think I'm making a mistake, I ask you to keep that to yourselves.  It does not help and does nothing but harm.
And .... I ask you to remember .... that this 19 1/2 year old person is MY son.  And only mine.  I have raised him.  I know what we have gone through for 17 years or so.  I know how he ticks and I know exactly what will happen if he comes home.
I'm sorry if you can't understand a mother doing something like this out of love, but it's only out of love.  I don't expect anyone else to understand.  That's not my job, to convince others that I'm doing the right thing.
I know, and I alone know, what is the right thing for this child.  You cannot possibly know all that we have gone through and what would be the best thing for him.  You evidently cannot know that sometimes we come to the point when it's time for a person to stand on his own two feet ..... to face the reality of life and what it means to be an adult.
And that, in my book, is not living at home playing video games all day and hanging out with your friends.
I refuse to give him the ability to do that ..... to remain stunted and dependent.

I didn't owe you any of that, but I gave it anyway.  To maybe help you understand .... at least a little.  It probably won't work, but that's not my concern.  My children are my concern.  And I will fight to the death to love them the best way they each need to be loved.
Even if it tears my heart out.
Because my heart is not what's important here.  This child/man is what's important.  And his future and his ability to be a man, even if it occurs with force.  God gave me this child for a short while.  He's not mine, he's God's.  And one day, I will have to answer to God on how I raised His child for Him.  And I want to be able to say, "The best way I could."  Those ways weren't always THE best, but they were my best.

I appreciate the spirit in which all the comments were made.  I realize that you were only trying to help.  Just please try to understand that some of them did not help.  At all.

So I am done.
And I'm going to admit something here .... I am struggling.  My faith has been shaken to the core, too many times.  I am at a point where I'm not sure I can keep trusting a God, in whom I continue to turn to with hope .... over and over and over again, only to find myself flat on my face with a big fat "No".

I have much to be thankful for.  Things could be so much worse.  I get that.
But I am only human.  And I am weak.
And I can only take so much.
I'm tired of taking it.
I'm tired of it "ALWAYS being something".  Every damn week.  At least one thing, sometimes, as in last week, more.
I have begged God over and over and over for things,  for situations to go well, only to be given the no.
I have spent more time over the past 17 years on my knees, and laid out on the ground, face down, sobbing and praying for this child and praying for God to give him a break .... more time and more tears than anyone will ever know.
I thought that this was finally the time God would show my Son how worthwhile he is.  That He would give him pride, rather than self-loathing.  To succeed rather than fail.  To see answered prayer .... in a good way.  To learn to trust in God, rather than doubt His caring and love, let alone His very existence.
I guess I was wrong.  This Son did turn to God during this.
And once again God seemed to turn a deaf ear.
How do I keep telling this Son, as well as some of my other spiritually hurting children, that God is love?  God only wants the best for us?  God cares?
When God has shown, at least to us, that He cares very little?

I keep hoping for a break.  I have asked, and begged Him for just a short time of peace.  Even if it's only one week.
One week where nothing goes wrong.  There are no health issues.  There are no problems with any of my children. No problem with the house or the cars.  Just a short time where I can rest.  A time of peace and quiet.  A time to let my body catch up with itself. A time of pure peace for my soul, my mind and my spirit.
Just a time.
But that seems to always have been asking too much.

I cannot keep hoping.
And right now, I cannot trust Him.

Yes, I have been blessed.
But I am human.
And I am weak.

A person can only take so much.
And I am tired.

I no longer have words to pray.
If you'd like, you can pray for me.
But I've got to believe that you're all pretty tired of all of this, too.

This is ironic since I'm scheduled to give a presentation at Camp Widow in April.  A presentation about living with grief and your faith.  And how to keep your faith through the death of your spouse.
Oh, I managed to keep it during the grieving period .... the hard grieving period.

But I'm not sure I can hang on to it any longer.
My fingernails are starting to lose their slight grasp.

How will I be able to give a presentation about something I may not be able to do any longer?

Again, no advice asked for here.  I have no room for it.  I'm full up.
And I'm exhausted.
And very, very weak.

Too weak at the moment.
I am done.

How Do You Stay Strong ....

.... when your heart is being ripped out of your chest?

I did not get the call I wanted to get tonight.
I did not get the call I hoped to get.
I did not hear from an officer.
I heard from my Son.

He told me that he is, after all of this, being sent home.
And he begged.
And he cried.
And I cried.
For at least 20 minutes .... until they made him hang up.

I did not cave.
But I am not sure that I can keep this up.
He broke my heart.
And I broke his.
I told him that I love him .... more than he'll ever know.
I told him that I know that he thinks I am a heartless bitch of a mother.
But that I'm doing this out of love.
And one day, please God .... one day .... he'll understand.

I'm not sure how much of this I can take.
He says that it'll probably be a week or so before he leaves there.
And that he can call me every day.
I can NOT go through this every day.
I can NOT do this and come out sane at the end of a week.
I don't even know that I have any sanity left at this point.

Tonight my heart is torn, yet again, and I'm feeling ..... pissed.
Really, really pissed.
At Jim.
For dying and leaving me with all of this crap.
(I really wanted to say shit, but I think that's the farthest I've gone here.  But really .... what the hell?)
I am pissed at Jim for dying and leaving me with all of this shit.
Four years of it.

Yes, I know that doesn't make sense.
Yes, I know that he didn't choose to die.
Yes, I know that he would not have died during that surgery if it were up to him.
It was not his choice.
Or mine.
But then .... no one asked either of us for permission.
No heads up.
No warning.
Never saw it coming.
And that sucks.

But it still pisses me off .... tonight.

I really don't know what's going on out there.
No officer, or any "real" adult .... ever talked to me today.
Nor do I know that they will.
He is, after all, an "adult".
But I hoped that since they called me so that I could help them .... they'd keep me informed.
It seems that they won't.

That's all.
That's all I have .... and all I have left.
I can't believe that I spent 20 minutes telling my child, my child who is hurting and feeling lost, that he cannot come home.
Over and over and over.
While we broke each other's heart.
Over and over.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I need an F'ing break.

If you're disappointed in me for writing "shit", be proud of me for not writing ....
well .... you know.
It took the last ounce of strength that I have.

Goodnight, Peeps.
And, as always, thank you .... more than you know .... for the comments and the prayers.
They are needed more than ever.

P.S.  Thank you, W, for your comment.  And you are totally right .... the people who tell you that "God never gives you more than you can bear" .... have never faced anything nearly as painful and as difficult as the person they're to whom they're saying that.

Silently Screaming ....

                                                          picture from here

.... is what I feel like I've been doing for that last four years.
Mostly screaming.
Mostly silently.

I am tired.

Yes, I've written that before.  If you've been here from the beginning you've probably read it many times.  Many, many times.
I am beyond tired.

I have a killer of a headache.  I've had it for two days.
There are times in your life (if there haven't been ... you are very blessed) when you wish such things would be terminal.  And swift.
A good embolism in the brain would be nice.

Times.
Not all times.
Some times.
This is one of those times.

This has been .... a week.
I am sick to death of these kind of weeks.
When has there not been "a week"? ..... in the last 4 years?

I heard someone tell another person last week, "God doesn't give you more than you can bear."
Fortunately God was able to help me clamp my mouth shut, and bite my tongue.
Because I wanted to turn around and tell this stranger, "Bullshit!"  Because that's what that often misused quote is:  Bullshit.
God doesn't say that.
Not anywhere in the Bible.  And if you think otherwise .... go read it again.

I have been give WAY more than I can bear.
For the last 4 years.
And I have asked many, many times ...."How much can one person take?"  Really.  How much can one person endure?
Patiently endure?

Sometimes more than you'd think.
Sometimes less.

I have heard many times in the last few days ...... words about how strong I am.  What a strong mother I am.  A strong person.
While I appreciate the thought and the intent behind those words (I truly do) ..... I do not feel strong.  And I am beyond fed up of being strong.
Of having to be strong.
I wish God would go pick on someone else.
For a week.
I need a break.

But I've needed a break for over 4 years now ..... and He hasn't seen fit to allow that.
So ..... I move forward.  As much as I can.
Which sometimes .... isn't very much.

And I end up telling one child that this home, my home, is no longer his home.
And I end up hearing ugly words from an another, angry child.
I'd like to throw in the towel.
But I don't know where to throw it.

I was discussing parenting today with a friend.
I told her, "When someone hands you a child to take home, whether you've given birth physically, or given birth through your heart by adopting, SOMEone should tell you, "While this will one of the most amazing things in your life, it will also suck.  A lot.  Be prepared."
Because really ..... it does suck.  A lot.
And NO ONE tells you that.  No one tells you how many times your heart will break.  No one tells you how many times you will hear words that you'd never thought you'd hear from someone you've given so much for.  No one tells you how many tears you will shed ..... because you are a mom.
They tell you how tired you'll be, and how much sleep you'll miss ..... but they don't tell you that you will continue to miss sleep ..... for the next 20-plus years.

I am not strong.
I just don't now what else to do.
I am winging this.
By myself.

And I mostly don't like it.
I never planned for this.
I never thought this would be my life.
I never expected Jim to die ..... before I did.
Before we had great-grandchildren.
Before we had "made it" past child-rearing.
Before ..... everything.

But he did.
And here I am.

If it weren't for Vern ..... I would not be here.
He has my back .... as much as he can.
It's not the same .... it can't be the same.
But it's something.

And yet still .... I am silently screaming.
Because screaming in public isn't really acceptable.
And no one wants to hear it.
They may say they do .... but deep down, they really don't.
And who could blame them?

I am no stinger than anyone else you know.
I am weak.
I cry a lot.
I hate being an only parent.
And there have been many times, more than I can count, when I've wanted to quit.
Everything.
I haven't quit ..... yet.
But I have spent a lot of time ..... more time than most people know ....
silently screaming.

The Phone Call ....

.... did not come last night. It did not come this morning. At 12:30 p.m. I called his CO. And left a voice message. And then my cell rang.
It was the officer who's under the CO. He had Son #2 outside his office. He spoke briefly, making sure I knew what was going on and then asked if I would talk to him. He said that many times moms can get through to their sons when no one else can. I said I hoped so, but that I wasn't going to be nice. He chuckled and said, "Nice doesn't work here. We don't do nice." I said good and he called Son #2 in and put me on speaker.
Here's pretty much the conversation:

S: Hi, Mom.
M: Hi, Son #2. What's going on?
S: (very matter of factly) I chose to disobey a command so they moved me to ______ Company and are sending me home.
M: They're not sending you home.
S: (sounding stunned)What?! That's what they told me yesterday.
M: They are not, and will not, send you home. You're not in a club you can just quit. It's the U. S. Govt. You signed a pledge, to your COUNTRY! They'll just keep putting you back to the beginning of Boot Camp. But, if you somehow manage to get on a plane, you can't come here. This will not be your home. No car, no computer, no phone nothing. I'm done. You'll have a dishonorable discharge for the rest of your life. It will humliate you forever and you'll never able to get a good job.

I went on to read him what his girlfriend wrote on my FB(thank you, S) and how upset she was and everyone was. He has over a thousand people praying for him and everyone knows he CAN'T quit. That would be the worst thing he could do. I told him I love him, though he might not think so, but one day he'll get it. I told him it's time to be a man and make his dad, and his Marine grandfather proud. He has no choice - only the choice on how he does it and how long it takes him.
Then I asked him if he was going to do it. He wouldn't talk. The officer commanded him to talk to me and he said, "I guess I don't have a choice." I could barely hear him but I agreed that he did not, other than how he does it.

I said a few more of the same things (like thanks for the $1,000 loss,& I hope he doesn't keep doing this and going back to week 1 or he could be there for 12 months! I
only softened my tone at the end (it was nowhere near soft before that ... I know that stuns most of you) when I told him I look forward to seeing him later in April (& not 6 months later when he finally pulls his crap together).
He said ok. I said I loved him and I hope he does his best. He may have muttered "I love you, too.", but I think it was just another "ok".

The CO ordered him back out in the hall and then thanked me. I said I hoped it works. He then
said Son #2 looked pretty crushed when I told him he would not be coming home and playing video games, which is good. Crushed is very good at this point.
I think he was mostly surprised that they won't let him just quit ... & that I won't let him come here.

There's a slight chance he'll be able to stay in his company, but only slight, and he doesn't know that. I should find out late Monday what they decide.

So that's all for now. Vern (yes, that's his name .... he hates "V" because I already have a V & he thinks it's confusing) has been a rock. Through this and every other crappy thing that's gone on around here the last few months. I don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for him. I keep telling him he should run away. He keeps refusing.
:) I love him.

Thanks for your prayers and comments. PLEASE keep them coming. I/we need them.
And please excuse any typos ... this is from my cell. Ugh.

Please, Please Pray .....

.... for Son #2.
He is trying his best at the moment to get sent home from Boot Camp.  I received a letter from him yesterday that was full of depression and fear and homesickness.  I expected that.  It didn't make it easier to read, but I knew to expect it.

Tonight I received a phone message from him, stating that he had been removed from his company and was being sent home.   I was just finishing dinner in a restaurant with V when I checked my messages.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing and could only listen to it over and over again to see if I was hearing him correctly.  And I could only cry as I listened to it over and over again. I don't think  I've ever felt such disappointment in my life.
His Commanding Officer called while I was out and left a message with Son #3 .... he needed to talk to me.

I called him back as soon as I got home and he asked if I'd talked to Son #2.  I told him that I had received a message and what he had said.
I told him and he said that no, he was not being sent home .... yet.   He was indeed trying to, but it wasn't that easy.  He had gotten himself kicked out of his company and placed in another one.  One that is on week one now, rather than week three.  Of course I made reservations last night at a hotel for the week he was supposed to graduate.  A nonrefundable $1,000 dollar reservation for 3 rooms for 3 nights.
Of course.

But money aside .... because it's not what's important here .... he cannot quit.
And the CO is going to call me later tonight, or first thing in the morning, when he has Son #2 in his office and can hand the phone over to me.  He wants me to talk to him and to try to convince him of something the CO hasn't been able to ..... he can't quit.
I need to have the strength to tell him that quitting is not an option.  That if he quits, he can't come home.  He will not be able to live here, he won't be able to get anything back .... like his car, computer, phone.  Nothing.
I need to convince him that this, the Marines, is his only choice.  His only chance to make something of his life.  It's time to grow up and be a man.

And I have to be prepared to back that up.  And to take the reaction from him, which will be awful.  I know.  I've been there before.

I can take it.  I'll be OK.  But he needs your prayers.  He needs to realize that this is his chance to turn his life around .... and to really become a man.
An independent, successful man.

Please pray.
I cannot do this alone.
I need to know that others are out there .... lifting him up.
Please.

Thanks, Peeps.
Very much.